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When your child asks if they’ll be harmed like the people on the news, what do you say? Psychologists provide tips on how to talk about identity
When your child asks if they’ll be harmed like the people on the news, what do you say? Psychologists provide tips on how to talk about identity. Originally published by The Conversation.
By Anahi Collado, Assistant Research Professor of Psychology, University of Colorado Boulder · 2026-09-22T13:06:14.489Z
Imagine your child asks you out of the blue, “If we speak Spanish, will they take you away?” Or imagine them suddenly asking what an offensive slur means. When a child asks these types of questions, it can be difficult to trace them back to a specific news story or event. But you may not need to. The question itself tells you that your child is trying to make sense of something they heard. As parents, we’ve each had some version of these conversations with our young children. The fear takes different forms in different families. For some children, it’s a question about whether their family may be harmed because of the language they speak. For others, it may be about their skin color, gender, religion or the person they love. Underneath is often the same concern that young people across the country https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/10/generation z stressed are grappling with https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578 020 00972 z : What do these messages mean for people like me? Children whose identities aren’t directly targeted are listening too. Public discourse teaches children https://theconversation.com/american society teaches everyone to be racist but you can rewrite subconscious stereotypes 141676 which differences are treated as ordinary, which are treated as suspect and who is allowed to belong without having to explain themselves https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467 8721.2007.00496.x . As psychologists https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=w8MYwHYAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao who study https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=erJnbxwAAAAJ&hl=en and treat anxiety https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034733 and depression https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.04.001 as well as research resilience https://doi.org/10.1080/23794925.2022.2025630 among diverse groups https://doi.org/10.1080/15332640.2025.2467191 of children and families, we frequently hear versions of this question in our work and at our kitchen tables. Parents cannot control every message their child encounters, but they can help their child understand what those messages do and do not mean. Listen for the sideways question Parents often imagine that an important conversation will announce itself clearly: “Something I heard on the news made me worried about being Latina.” Usually, it doesn’t. A younger child may ask whether a classmate’s family is safe or whether something that happened to someone else could happen to them too. An older child may repeat something they saw online, make a joke or suddenly go quiet when a topic related to identity comes up. Children often don’t have the vocabulary https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00444 to name a fear directly or the confidence that a topic is safe to raise. We’ve seen this pattern again and again when we work with families in the clinic: Teasing a fear out by going sideways, such as through someone else’s situation or a hypothetical, can allow a child to gauge how an adult will react before deciding whether to ask their real question.
Some children need assurance before they can ask a hard question. Ed Bock/The Image Bank via Getty Images In our experience, younger children sometimes find it easier to talk about a worry through a drawing, a stuffed animal or a story about “a kid who felt scared about something” rather than addressing it head on. If a direct question stalls out, shifting the format – rather than repeating the question – can help children open up. Instead of immediately correcting or reassuring your child, get curious first. Research on how children respond to different kinds of questions https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2007.03.021 has consistently found that open ended prompts like “tell me more” draw out far more than direct or yes or no questions. That principle can be useful at the dinner table too: “What made you think about that?” may get further than “Are you scared about something?” If a child says “I don’t know,” resist the urge to press further in that moment. Not knowing yet is a normal response; sometimes kids may need more time https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761 021 00040 2 to make sense of a feeling before they can put words to it. You can leave the door open instead: “That’s OK. If you think of it later, I’m here.” This tells your child the invitation still stands without turning it into an interrogation. Don’t leave the meaning blank Parents sometimes avoid talking about difficult news because they don’t want to frighten their children. But if a child has heard people like them described as dangerous, defective, unwanted or less worthy, changing the subject doesn’t erase the message. Neither does staying silent. It simply leaves children to work out on their own what that message means about them. Instead of changing the subject, minimizing what they heard or saying “don’t worry about it,” parents can answer directly: “Some people believe that, but we don’t.” They can tell their child directly that comments that demean someone because of who they are aren’t acceptable. Research on ethnic racial socialization https://doi.org/10.1037/0012 1649.42.5.747 – that is, the ways parents teach children about race and ethnicity – suggests that messages about cultural history, traditions and pride can be just as important for children’s self esteem and sense of identity as conversations that prepare them for prejudice. Studies on LGBTQ+ youth show a similar pattern: Greater family acceptance during adolescence https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744 6171.2010.00246.x is associated with higher self esteem and better health, as well as lower rates of depression, substance use and suicidal thoughts https://theconversation.com/trans youth are significantly more likely to attempt suicide when gender dysphoria is met with conversion therapy than with hormone treatment 207592 .
Affirming that you love and respect your child no matter their identity can protect their well being. Raja J/iStock via Getty Images Parents can reassure their child that there is nothing wrong with being autistic or that they don’t need to be afraid of people who pray differently from them. They can confirm that they and their family belong – in this home, community and country – regardless of what anyone else says. The goal isn’t to pretend discrimination doesn’t exist. It’s to help children – whether they are the ones being targeted or are watching it happen to someone else – separate what people say about an identity from what that identity actually means about a person’s worth. Children deserve explicitly positive messages from trusted adults. Even when those messages seem obvious or your child already knows them, saying them out loud anyway could help reinforce that their worth was never actually in question. It can also give children something to hold onto when they encounter hurtful messages in the future. Don’t wait for a crisis to talk about identity Silence itself can take a toll. Research has linked avoiding conversations about ongoing threats https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802 023 01133 1 to worse mental health in children during times of crisis. Making identity an ordinary part of family life can help children experience it as a source of pride https://doi.org/10.1037/0012 1649.42.5.747 rather than only a subject of conflict. Families can talk casually about culture and history, and challenge stereotypes when they encounter them. They can present difference as natural instead of as a tragedy or include people of different identities in everyday conversations.
When identity is a regular topic of conversation, it can be easier to approach difficult questions about it later on. Miljan Živković/iStock via Getty Images Plus These conversations don’t need to start with a big, formal sit down, and starting small may actually work better. Research suggests the earlier and more casually https://hechingerreport.org/too few parents talk to their kids about race and identity report finds/ these topics about identity come up, the more normal they become. This could look like pointing out a character’s different skin tone in a board book, or noticing aloud why a toy aisle is divided by color. Waiting for a “big talk” can actually make the topic feel heavier than it needs to. The message is simple: This part of you did not become unworthy of love, respect or belonging because someone attacked it. It was worthy before the headline appeared. Come back to the conversation Whereas adults may be able to more quickly move on with their daily lives after feeling disturbed or frightened by upsetting media, children may experience more elevated and prolonged stress https://doi.org/10.3389/fped.2016.00026 . A child who heard someone on the news describe people like those in their family as a threat in May may still be carrying that message in August. Studies that followed African American adolescents https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034703 and Latino/a adolescents https://doi.org/10.1080/15313204.2024.2420647 have found a link between experiences of discrimination and depressive symptoms that linger years later. So come back to the conversation. Let a week or two pass, and then follow up with your child. For example: “Remember when you told me about the comment you heard that made your stomach feel yucky? Have you thought about it or had that yucky feeling again?” Your child may say they haven’t thought about it. Nonetheless, research suggests that repeated conversations that promote pride https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13908 in a young person’s identity can protect them against ongoing racial discrimination. One study found that for LGBTQ+ youth who often experience frequent and ongoing stress and discrimination https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000556 related to their identity, continuous explicit affirmation from their parents can serve as a powerful buffer https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744 6171.2010.00246.x : “I will always love and support you and make sure you get the respect that you deserve.” Why parents should speak now Often, the question a child is actually asking, underneath the silence, the joke or the shrugged off comment is simple: Am I OK? Is there something wrong with people like me? The majority of children in the U.S. are children of color https://www.census.gov/newsroom/blogs/random samplings/2023/05/racial ethnic diversity adults children.html , LGBTQ+ https://mapresearch.org/policy and issue analysis/LGBTQ youth/ or neurodivergent https://www.cdc.gov/autism/data research/index.html , or they live in households with at least one undocumented family member https://cmsny.org/publications/2024 mass deportation program devastate american families 101024/ . These children are growing up in a world where parts of who they are are debated, stigmatized or portrayed as problems in public discourse, and the news is not background noise https://theconversation.com/how to protect your family from horrific news images and still stay informed 181818 . They may encounter stories about immigration raids https://theconversation.com/federal immigration enforcement near schools disrupts attendance traumatizes students and damages their academic performance 273325 and deportation threats https://theconversation.com/there are long lasting negative effects for children like liam ramos who are detained or watch their parents be deported 274271 ; anti trans political advertising https://theconversation.com/anti trans bills and political climates are taking a significant mental health toll on trans and nonbinary people even during pride 199859 ; violence targeting people because of their race or religion https://theconversation.com/when us fights in the middle east american muslim students often face discrimination 277676 ; commentary portraying autism https://theconversation.com/no evidence links autism with terrorism but ill judged statements and headlines will lead to stigma 164133 , dyslexia https://theconversation.com/what neurodivergent people really think about the words used to describe them 271784 or mental health care https://theconversation.com/think therapy is navel gazing think again 173312 in demeaning or misleading ways. Across these stories, children may hear the same underlying question: Are people like me accepted and valued, or are we considered a problem? Research has linked racial and ethnic discrimination and identity related stigma to a wide range of negative outcomes in adolescence https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000204 , including depression, poor self esteem and declines in academic engagement. A 2023 report from The Trevor Project, a nonprofit focusing on suicide prevention among LGBTQ+ youth, documented that 86% of transgender and nonbinary youth said public debates over anti trans bills had negatively affected their mental health https://www.thetrevorproject.org/blog/new poll emphasizes negative impacts of anti lgbtq policies on lgbtq youth/ . The point isn’t that every identity or every form of discrimination works the same way. But parents giving consistent messages of “you are worthy and you belong” to their children can help them heal.
Children closely observe what’s happening in the world. Aflo Images/Getty Images When our own children express fears that who they are may put their family in danger, we don’t have a perfect answer ready. What we tell them, more or less, is that they heard some scary and untrue things, and that who we are and where we come from are things we never need to be ashamed of. It’s not the last time we’ll talk about it, and that’s the point. Parents cannot create a world where their children never encounter prejudice or misinformation about who they are. But they can help their children make sense of what they heard, separate someone else’s hate https://theconversation.com/why do people hate people 224252 from their self worth and return to the conversation after everyone else has moved on. So speak now. And continue to speak. Not because the news reminded you to, but because your child will be listening.
Anahi Collado has received research funding from the National Institutes of Health NIH and private foundations. Colleen Cummings does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.